For Everything There is a Season

Each day is something new. It has been that way for months. You think you have it figured out and then the rules change, forcing more adjustments.  No handshakes, no smiles to see, distance everywhere we go. 

It's a grind that never ends. 

But as my state enters its seventh month of this, I see a shift coming. Maybe it's me. I joke that I was done with the lockdown the same weekend it started, but but now I'm REALLY done. 

In March I was angry at what I saw happening, but didn't really think people would put up with too many restrictions, nor did I think politicians would allow, let alone encourage it. I was so very, very wrong. 

And now it's October. Months of monotony has led to a restlessness that is hopefully pushing people to act with strength. And it's time, actually it is way past time, to do so. There is real evil at play in our world, our country, our cities and homes. 

It's hard to say that out loud, but as I talk with people around me, I find that they are thinking the same thing. Because it IS an evil that keeps us from educating our kids, with money we've already paid in taxes. It is evil that keeps our businesses limited and shuttered, some for good. It is evil that keeps us from attending church. My friend said to me via text last week as we discussed churches needing to open that she "desires to see some boldness."  That has resonated with me since. I believe that it is time for boldness. 

I'm embarrassed that I didn't see the evil sooner and when I did actually see it, that i didn't speak up sooner. I think I thought it would go away. And I often thought "I'm tired of battling, of being criticized, of arguing. Someone ELSE can speak up." But here are with evil threading its way through our very communities. I have seen countless posts on FB asking "what is the status of Halloween? Is it still allowed?" There is some scoffing and derision at those comments. Many bluster at the ludicrous of the ask. In my head also am rolling my eyes.  But I'm not surprised at the questions. After all, we've allowed everything else to be cancelled, and we have sat by as restrictions and mandates are shoved down our throats, so these seem to be fair questions. 

The evil isn't a person, although I see my fair share of people perpetuating this stranglehold on our country. The evil is the mentality that is causing so much fear and worry. The anxiety has taken a big hold on our minds and it is wreaking havoc. 

So I'm now at a place where I am longing for normal, for peace and for calm. I'm reminded of Kevin Bacon taking on the town council while advocating for a school dance. (Reminds me of a local school board I know which has been on quite the power trip.)  He takes a verse from Ecclesiastes 3 to prove his point, to convince them that there is "a time to dance." It's a powerful moment in the movie, and while the town council says no (...again with the irony) he and his friends find a way to make the dance happen, because they know it is needed.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven" is how the chapter opens and the words that follow speak very plainly to me. There was at one point, a purpose for a lockdown, whether or not you agree. The purpose was to give our hospitals time to prepare and in doing so, kept people home to "slow the spread." That time is over. We need to move on, to change with the coming season. We need to quarantine the sick, not the healthy.   We need our businesses open and our schools to get back to educating. We need our kids playing sports and involved in clubs and activities. We need our churches open and back to fostering faith and community and outreach. We need to give hugs and smiles freely. We need to laugh, cry and pray together. 

This weekend, I took my daughter and her friends to a pumpkin patch. It should have been packed and instead it looked like a ghost town. I'll be surprised if it is open next year.  This weekend my husband and I went out for dinner at a local restaurant that was barely half full. Nobody can keep doors open while not allowed customers. We went to church together for the first time in seven months. It wasn't "our" church, but it was church, complete with a message and singing and community. It didn't feel normal, but it was peaceful and it was needed. It is definitely past time to push back evil and begin to truly live. 

I'm tired of evil, of sadness and defeat. 

I  desire to see boldness and will be praying others follow suit. 

Thoughts and Gifts

'"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

It has been a LONG time since I've sat down with a keyboard (or pen and paper) to put my thoughts together.  I went back and reread my old posts from eight years ago and marveled at what is the same and what has drastically changed. Perusing Facebook and Pinterest are still hobbies, although admittedly Facebook feels like a wasteland, especially given the current climate. Covid-19 has taken everything in our world and whipped it together like a "dump it and forget it" recipe. Over the past several years a lot has changed, with some facets staying as constants. Three kids, a husband who works tirelessly, amazing friends, faith in Jesus.

Then I look at what has changed. Those three kids are teenagers or close to it. I've lost a parent. We've had job changes and moved homes. Health scares have permeated our lives. Friendships have changed, either by circumstance or choice. We've had the opportunity to travel to amazing places. Faith still abounds but it looks different and I'm praying daily to rest in His name even as our lives are upended regularly. 

I'm a little pissed at myself that I haven't written it all down as regularly as I'd like, but something struck me the other day. I was writing a Facebook post (that really was too long for Facebook and had no business being there - AMEN) and kept deleting and starting over, thinking about who was going to be upset, who would see it and misinterpret, who would be helped by it. Cliched, but it was like a lightning bolt struck.  I don't really care who doesn't like it or disagrees, but it doesn't change the fact that I have a lot to say and I think it's time to say it. I want records for my kids, I want to look back and see growth and change, not just for myself but for my family, and I want to remember and focus on my motivations for my choices, in everything. 

Bloggers are everywhere, side hustling all over the place. Good for them - for real. But that's not me. I'm usually late to the party on technological trends but I do see a need for thinking that isn't just a Facebook post or a quick Twitter post or a funny meme. (I still love all those things... but substance is good.) I haven't stopped laughing at the blog name I chose all those years ago... I'm not "mommy" anymore but I've leaving it for now. I am in my own lane, though, so that fits. There are some old pictures on here and since I have plenty o' time...I'll be learning how to update and add. Yay for teenagers who will be helpful in that process!! 

Earth shattering experiences over the past several years have shifted and shaped my thinking and I think it's good to share that, because people need to know, more than ever, they are not alone. Daily mundane living has also shaped my thinking and pushed me into new experiences that I also think are valuable. Both deserve attention. 

A big focus for me is health....spiritual, emotional, and physical, among others. In all categories, I am on a journey and writing about those journeys helps me process. I've met some incredible people throughout the course of my life who have inspired me go further, think deeper, pray harder and speak more. They fit into those four areas of living well and I want to honor that. Make no mistake - I have much work to do in those areas, and look forward to learning and creating some new habits.

Our life experiences are gifts, whether they feel like it or not. There is a A LOT that doesn't at all feel like a gift right now but since God is walking alongside me through those experiences, then I want to sit with those experiences a bit more and that is why I am writing. And I'm grateful for those of you who will come along side me for the journey. 

Birthdays and Blessings

36. THIRTY-SIX. I'll admit...I've had some struggles with this birthday, specifically the number attached to it. How is it possible I am 36? Demographics run 18-35...I no longer fit that and I sort of find it unacceptable. I love birthdays and the fun that goes with them, but I dislike being on the Age Train that is zooming faster and faster to....wherever the Age Train goes. I don't feel any different than I did 5, 10 or 15 years ago, but all of a sudden I am realizing I am heading toward 40. There is nothing wrong with 40, I have just always felt it was waaaay in the future.

And then, because my birthday fell on a Sunday, I headed to church and let Jesus tap me on the shoulder a bit and remind me that as my age increases, my blessings seemed to have increased as well. I wanted to write them down now, as a thanks to God for them, and because I know there will be days I will forget how blessed I am and I will need the reminder.

..... Saturday night I had a kitchen full of women who I have known only a short while, gathering to celelrate my birthday. They were over the top generous towards me and I am blessed by them. I laughed a lot (which is essential in any of my friendships) and really focused on how amazing it is that we found this town, this street, to move to. It was such a fluke and almost didn't happen. But, because life is crazy like that, here we are!
..... Chris gave me time and space to go pamper myself yesterday and when I got home, I had a birthday cake, fully decorate waiting for me. I don't know how he did it... the kitchen was sparking clean, the cake was already frosted and had cute decorating and was sitting on a cake plate.
..... Will, Drew, and Anna had picked out cute birthday gifts for me - giftcards for iTunes, clothes and jewelry. They were so proud - could not wait for me to open them and just grinned from ear to ear. I had a "mom moment" realizing they are these little individuals who see me as a real person with hobbies and likes - "you like pink a lot" and "you like to listen to music when you exercise" and it just made the day even more special to me. They were involved in celebrating it and they cared about making me happy.
....All morning my phone rang and buzzed with calls and texts from friends and family...my favorites being the text that read "Happy 25th!" and the phone call with a Happy Birthday to You serenade sung by my best friend's family. I laughed out loud and teared up a bit too, because they are all such special people and I miss them greatly. But I get to see them soon, and that warms my heart.

I know there are those that consider birthdays just another regular day. I don't...to me there is nothing better than knowing I am surrounded by love and friendship. I think it sends a good message to my children about what is important in life - not our age, but what we do with ourselves, each and every day for others. So I'll hop onto the Age Train happily now, because I know it doesn't matter where I live or who I spend time with, I've got people all around me to keep me company. After all, I still feel like I am 29, so.... Choo Choo!!!

Zumba Time

About three and a half years ago I attempted a workout class - I picked it solely because it was geared to new moms and their babies...In fact I am pretty sure it was called Baby Boot Camp or some catchy name like that. Long story short - I left the 2nd class in tears, vowing never EVER to return. However, three years of eating and drinking what I wanted left me unhappy with my size. I've worked out off and on for the last year and after moving here, decided enough was enough and joined our local YMCA to use the gym... people were nice, I have free daycare included in my family membership (a HUGE bonus) and there are people of all ages and sizes running around there - makes it easy for me to shut down negative thoughts I generally find myself engaging in. I'd periodically workout, walk the outside track and occaionally entertain the thought of joining a class.

Then I decided one day to try Zumba -I LOVED the infomercials I had seen (while on the couch with a plate of snacks, I'm sure) and tried the class once over a year ago. So I headed to Zumba Gold - and found it was full of (extrememly nice and funny) senior ladies, and a man named Lou. I loved it, had a blast, but realized I was not getting quite the workout I needed. I've mainly stuck to the treadmill and the weight machine in the gym (I despise the ellipticals - I envision myself maybe trying those AFTER I get in shape). I was super motivated Monday and enthusiastically punched the speed key to 5 - I don't know exactly what that means, except that I had to run -fairly quickly. I did a 30 minute workout on the treadmill, with three different minutes where I ran. While I loathe the running, I felt good enough to do the full circuit of weights and then head home to collapse. After that awesome workout I decided it was on to real Zumba today - no elderly ladies, no slow pace, non-bouncy Zumba.

I headed in, equipped with my bottle of water and was greeted by the bounciest, perkiest, most enthusiastic instructor I have ever encountered. In fact, I am pretty sure that it was Cheri Oteri...bangs, hair pulled back in a headband, and she hopped around from person to person, talked in a voice that was super excited and damn near shouting. I honestly looked around for Will Ferrell to make an appearance. Think SNL Cheerleader sketches from years past... because that is who led my class today. Her five foot little body gyrated and skipped from side to side non stop - AFTER telling everyone she wasn't in her best form since she'd been up since 3 with a headachy child. WHAAAAAT? But it was when she welcomed new people to the class that I nearly lost it laughing. She asked who was a first timer and I, along with another lady, tentatively raised my hand. I swear she flew straight over to me, shouted out a few welcome type sentences then said with complete seriousness, while head bobbing, shouting and pointing at everyone, "I have one rule ladies.... we make it FUN FUN FUN." The rest of the class started clapping and cheering right along with her. She then danced herself back to the front and the next hour was filled with hip hop Latin dancing that sincerely kicked my booty.

While I couldn't keep up with the footwork at times, I danced to my little heart's content, feeling at times like I was on the floor of a dance club and then other songs felt like I was on a tropical island. Currently at this moment I can't really feel my legs and I have to keep stretching my arms up high to keep them from getting stiff, so it's obviously a blessing I have a bottle of wine to enjoy tonight!! Best part for me....I cannot wait to go back!!

Dear 2012... We Need a Meeting

I'll admit I'm not the most faithful blogger. Not earth shattering news. But as January 1, 2012 rolled around, I decided THIS would be my year. Instead of trolling Facebook, I'd peel back and reserve comment for only the most important/funny/necessary thoughts. I'd turn the random comments, judgements, etc., that sit in my head into thoughtful, poignant narratives. Of course this is when Pinterest exploded all over the place and I was being linked to very cute, excessively cheerful blogs about how happy life is, with entries about the "darling shoebox I just repurposed" and thought... enough with blogs...I have no interest in showcasing perfection. January and February are always whirlwinds anyway... 3 of the 5 Stigalls have birthdays (2 of which involve parties with lots of little children) AND I was on a mission to get my house in order, finish unpacking the last 20 boxes that sat gathering dust in the basement - the list could go on and on. So I buckled down, let the computer gather dust (or at least this blog gathered dust) and started planning. And then 2012 punched me in the gut numerous times and started handing me reminders that no matter how good my intentions, no matter what my plans may be - LIFE is always gonna be bigger than me.

In the last month and a half, I've had phone calls and emails about ladies I know who are beginning a fight with breast cancer - this makes a total of four in the last year that I know personally... These are women who I have spent time with, laughed with, these are moms who are raising little children, who are under the age of 40 (or right at it) and it feels so unfair to me. I won't even try to imagine what they all must be feeling. One is a mom whose kids I taught in preschool... she has 2 darling children with completely unique personalities, she wears a smile on her face every day and I think she laughed every time I saw her... no lie. I'm sure with all of these women, God is working in their lives, whether they know it or not. But I ache for them. They are being in tested in ways I cannot fathom.

And in early January I had a call from a really good friend telling me my BFF had passed out in the gym while working out and was in the hospital. Heart stopping, frustrating moment. I disliked being so far away and unable to physically be there. Disliked is an understatement, of course. I was pissed...I felt helpless as I waited for texts and phone calls for updates. I talked with my husband a lot that day - I knew it was not an emergency to fly home for, but what if? What if something worse happened? What if we got a call from a family member? What if we needed to get home fast? These are realities of living half a country away and that day I did not like it. But she was okay, tests were good, she recovered, and several days later we were back to squealing and laughing on the phone.

And a few days after that I had another call ... this time from a great friend whose sister had been in a horrible car accident. I listened to her sobbing, scared voice describe what was happening and felt those helpless, angry tears start up. It was scary and frightening. I know random things happen... but they happen to other people...and it started to feel like LIFE was circling closer and closer to my personal space. Chris and I sat around that week again, amidst texts, emails, and phone calls with updates, frustrated we could do nothing - at the very least, hug our friends who were hurting. And let them hug us. I've been in the car accident where I laid on the ground, bleeding, not sure what had happened, waiting for the ambulance, hoping my friends were okay... and that was before I had a family to add to that worry. I cannot imagine that scenario and it broke my heart over and over that people I care about now had that reality to deal with. She's healing now....slowly, and life is carrying on, but not without some changes for their family.

And just yesterday I got another call that my BFF's husband had some complications from a medical test and was hosptialized -so doctors could check his heart. I did a double take when I heard that... last I knew, we weren't 80...but now, after this month, I think everyone I know is a little more aware that tough things happen, that sometimes the news story is about people we know, that sometimes when the phone rings, there is a very real possibility that it might not be good news. We aren't 80...but we are human, and as a result, we are fragile. Personally, I would like my friends to stop having emergencies and health issues, but something tells me they want that a hell of a lot more than I do.

I laughed at a text I got today from a friend ... she wrote " should I send the memo to 2012 that he sucks and nobody likes him?" That is sort of how it feels, after all. I don't want anymore calls about my friends who are sick or hurt, any more than they want to be the subject of such calls. But it's only February... not even halfway done. There will probably be more calls or emails like that. So to deal with it I'm going to try to focus on the good, like on my friend Lisa who will have to work hard to physcially rebuild her body but is alive and so she can be a role model about strength and perseverance for her kids; or praise God that Angie's tumor is shrinking; or the fact that I have no broken bones, and no cancer and I CAN go the gym, lift my kids, walk a mile, and hug my family; that in all situations there are good, kind, loving people who are helping those who need it the most.

But just in case he's listening -

Mr. 2012 - You need to chill OUT. Love, Me

It's Official!!

After four and a half months, I finally bit the bullet and did it. Gathered my resolve, wits, juice boxes, suckers and a grande Peppermint Mocha and went for it. Now lest people think I was headed for some crazy car trip - allow me to burst your bubble. It's waaay scarier than that. Drew, Anna and I were off to visit the one known (at least to me) drivers license center in the county, in order for one half of the Stigall parenting team to be recognized as as an official, legal, driving resident of the state of Pennsylvania.

I have never had much luck with DMV's. The last time I attempted this I had to renew my Missouri license,I had all three kids with me, all necessary documents and after an hour wait in line, complete with a baby in a carrier, and two very loud, active toddlers, I was informed I had the wrong birth certificate. Major problem cause the license was about to expire and if memory serves me, I was about to travel (albeit driving) back home and felt pretty confident a current license would be useful. Which became an even bigger problem when I started searching online through the Illinios for the most efficient way to get a birth certificate and after no luck, just decided to get the birth certificate while in Illinois for a visit. Fast forward to the Vital Records people only being able to find some weird, abbreviated version of this important document (it contains three lines of info, as opposed to my sister's and husband's birth certificates, which e each contain a page filled with info).....but I took it, paid for it and hoped that it would work. And back to the Missouri license center for attempt #2. The very unfriendly, stern state employee was not a fan of said birth certificate but I helpfully pointed out (about 5 times) the official seal of Cook County, IL. And was allowed to leave as a valid driving resident of Missouri.

So I had very little confidence or positive thoughts running through my brain about this adventure I was off on. The only input from my darling, ever-so-helpful husband was "Good luck...I can't imagine what a pain it will be" and "I'll just wait until you get yours" so enthusiasm was low. The kids and I had a heart to heart chat in the parking lot where I let them know I was not above dumping out all Halloween candy in the trash if they misbehaved, had Daddy on speed dial, and dammit, they WERE going to behave, then I grabbed all identifying proof-of-residence documents I had and marched in to that office, ready to drip sugar sweet helplessness or smart ass attitude...whatever works, right? And had, by far, my most pleasant experience in a place of business EVER.

No lie. Up until now, the only state run office my children behave in is the liquor store - cause they get suckers. I walk out with a case of beer, they walk out with sugar. It's win-win. And today, my darling angels listened to me, used their manners, were polite to the woman helping me, and she was friendly and talkative with me as well. I thought I heard Twilight Zone music playing in the background, but that could be me. There wasn't a single bit of attitude - from anyone. Which, frankly, out here, is an accomplishment all on its own. There wasn't a single eye roll or huffing of breath. Just good, old fashioned manners on the part of everyone, myself included. I was stunned when the woman, I think her name was Jessica, said "You are a great mom." I did a total double take, said thank you and then she followed it up with "And you have great kids. So many parents come in here and act like they don't care what their kids do. You should teach classes." At that I laughed out loud and told her I was hardly a role model; after all, there was the bribery/threatening talk I had in the parking lot earlier. But still, as a mom, those are moments I treasure and thank God for. I do have great kids, but they can be holy terrors and I've been known to dive into the vodka/beer/wine/whatever's handy around noon- cause there are days that are just that HARD. But nonetheless... it was a sweet reminder of why I do what I do, day after day.

So then I strolled over to take the picture, which did not turn out half bad, if I do say so myself, and got registered to vote. Surprisingly, I had to officially declare my political party affiliation...I think unknown was a choice, but I couldn't justify that, so I clicked on Republican with a small anount of pride and only had one short, choked up, catch my breath moment - when the picture taker lady handed me my temp license and said "Welcome to PA." Bittersweet....but since it felt like I was in some whole new dimension this morning...it just seemed to fit.

So now, I can drive legally in Pennsylvania, I added one more one more registered Republican voter to the state and walked out with two sweet little angels, one in each hand. It is definitely official.... life feels pretty good.

Fall Fun

I realize for many, fall is all about football.... and there is definitely a place for it in my loves about fall. But I am not a diehard fan... I enjoyed watching the Bears (or Da Bears) growing up... but then when I headed to the real Midwest... aka Missouri... I spent some good times as a NW Bearcat. And I knew fall arrived each year when multiple football game announcing could be heard across campus. And I started watching the Chiefs and 17 years later - I am still watching the Chiefs - so that's the jersey I'll wear, even out here where the red shade is similar to that of the Redskins and I get ridiculed. I will watch college ball but I don't understand the Big 10 vs. Big 12 fiasco, nor will I try. I'm proud of myself that I can list a few teams in the AFC and the NFC. And that I even know there is a difference. But it struck me the other night as I shifted through boxes looking for our fall decorations that I love this time of year for much more than football.

Normally I would have started decorating in September, but the weather here was decidedly "un-fall".... it was humid and warm and rainy. ALL. THE. TIME. I couldn't get into the mood with the A/C on each day. But the weather changed, finally, and we had a few nights where it was cool and dry enough to open windows....and leave them open all day. And my excitement really kicked into gear when we had to turn on the heat for awhile. So now I am in a full tilt "fall frenzy" and October is looking gooooood.

When I found a box of fall items I mainly found the Halloween pieces - the plastic pumpkins, the witch night light, our candy corn drinking cups and ghost placemats. And I allowed myself a little bit of nostalgia because they are all reminders of our old house and the fall fun we had in KC. But after a little wallowing, I started thinking ahead to this year, and new traditions. Which led to to total distraction as I started ticking off the fun fall activities we are going to do this month. There is an orchard 5 minutes away that we'll head to this weekend. And they sell apple cider and apple doughnuts. We have the smallest front porch in the world but our rocking chairs fit and I am going to get a scarecrow for one. And set out mums and pumpkins... and I might even buy a hay bale or two. This week I think we'll make caramel apples - with extra goodies to roll the apple covered deliciousness in. If you're gonna do it, go big, right?

And it isn't just kid fun, either. One thing I love about being out here is how pretty and picturesque it is as I drive to the post office or school. The leaves are changing colors and there are SO MANY - they float down all the time as I drive the twisty roads to get wherever we need. The other day I had a salted, caramel mocha in hand (thank you Starbucks, for that new invention) about 5:30 in the evening as I was out running errands. It was cloudy and misty, I had a few layers of clothing on, and I was looking at table runners and dark wicker baskets and wall hangings that described all sorts of sentiments about being thankful. I picked up some new fall pieces to add to what we have for decoration and realized I was feeling happy. Which is nice because I think it means I am finally getting used to my new home. Bittersweet, but leaning more towards sweet than bitter.

I kept looking through boxes to find our fall garland and leaves and ceramic pumpkins but no luck....but I still have some time before Thanksgiving. And I can always shop for more! So this week I'll make some crockpot meals, take a few fall walks and look forward to the changing season. And on Sunday, I'll grab a beer and cheer on some football teams - because it is, after all, fall.